June 25th 2011. My life was complete. I moved back from London with the man I loved. I felt so blessed to have everything I ever wanted and I felt the luckiest women in the world. I had Gemma and Stephen and of cause my 2 beautiful grandsons Damon and Jayden. And I had someone who adored me and loved me for who I was and loved my family. Me and Gem sat and talked about my beach wedding she so wanted to be a bridesmaid. Everything in my eyes my life for once was perfect, I’d never been so happy. Little did I know that on the 18th July 2011 mine and my family’s life was to change for ever, Gemma went for a scan on the 18th July as the dr thought she had a cist on her ovary. On the 20th July the results came back. Gemma had a cyst 4.4x5.7 so she had an emergency cancer appointment which was on the 1st August. The hospital did a laparoscopy on the 21st of November 2011 Gemma went in for her operation, We thought they would take the cyst away and everything would be ok and Gemma could one day would have another baby which she wanted so badly. (Gemma’s words) I knew things was not right when I woke up and was still in recovery and the Dr was there and I had no morphine drip, which I was told to expect. The Dr came back to the room with me, and said "He's sorry but it does not look good, they have taken biopsies and sent them for cancer testing and they could not get past this large growth to see what’s going on. They said I would get the results on Friday. Simon got the call to go to the hospital we thought they have done an hysterectomy that's why she was upset, But little did we know or was prepared for what we was told. The min they said biopsies I swear my heart just stopped and this strong feeling that my little girl, my best friend, my soul mate had got cancer and she would not make it. It was so strong and I could not get rid of it. Gemma said that was a shocker to be told it was not cancer only to have biopsies 2 months later; it’s going to be a long week waiting for the results. Monday 28th November me Gemma and Simon went for the results and it was cancer. She was to start chemotherapy and then have a Hysterectomy. I knew from that moment the roles have to be reversed now I had to be the strong one, but in my heart I knew and I didn't want to believe it. She had got stage 3 ovarian cancer. Gemma just wanted to focus on Christmas me and her loved it. Me and Nick Franklin Gave her the best Christmas ever with all the family. It was memorable. She was so happy. The Drs decided that Gemma was going to have 3 lots of chemo followed by a de bulking surgery. Gemma started her first lot of chemo on the 20th December 2011. I drove her to the hospital and dropped her off; she had been told that there was no room for family members. So she kissed me got out the car with a smile and said see you later. Gemma had a reaction to the chemo so they had to slow it down so it was gone 6 o clock when she was ready to be picked up. She was just hoping that she was going to be well for Christmas day, and thankfully she was. She really only had one good week between chemo. Gemma had her second lot on the 10th of January, This time I went in with her until she was hooked up, I was so shocked to see so many elderly people Gemma was the youngest. I could not believe what I saw next. Gemma got up and started making a couple of people a drink as they were unable to walk. They told me she kept them going with her lovely smile and her chatting away like there was nothing wrong with her. I left her then and went to pick her up in the evening. There was only Gemma there. Soon as I walked in and saw her face I knew something was wrong. I went to her and she handed me a form the Dr had filled in and I read 30% chance of making 5 years. She had been given this form in the morning and spent all day worrying about it because she had not been told this. She didn't want to disturb the nurses as they were so busy. I was fuming and demanded an explanation. Gemma was determined that she would be that 30%. She had a few days where she was really poorly; she was tired all the time, but always remained positive. She had got Damon and he was keeping her positive and Happy and no matter how shitty she felt she never complained. Wednesday 1st of February she had her 3rd lot of chemo. Gemma felt that it was working she was not in so much pain and didn't feel as bloated. We went through the normal routine of sickness and tiredness, but as always she pulled through it, she loved her wigs and you could never tell they were. Gemma went for a scan on the 8th of February to see if the cancer had shrunk. Gemma went for her of results on the 20th of February and was told that it had not really made any difference. They decided to give her one more lot of chemo which was on the 21st. On the 19th of March 2012 I went along with Gemma to see the stoma nurse as there was every chance she would have to have one, Gemma was not bothered as long as she had got her life. Gemma went into Hospital on the 20th of March. They did the operation on the 21st. This time me and Simon were going to be there when she came back from surgery so she had us there when she came round. We got to the hospital a couple of hours after she went down and went to the ward to let them know we were there and we would be in the coffee shop. We just got across to the main Hospital when they called and said she was back on the ward. so we went back and the first thing I did was have a look and seen no stoma bag just a huge cut down the middle of her tummy, The nurse just kept her head down, I knew straight away they were unable to do anything. Gemma s dad came then the Dr Came to explain that it had gone too far and could not operate. Then the other Dr came in. I asked him to be truthful and honest but no matter how negative I had been since the first operation I was not prepared for what was going to come next.... We were told nothing else could be done and was to come home on palliative care. Gemma had done a lot of research she was asking about different treatments but in answer he said no to everything. We all sat there in shock. I have no idea how we all kept ourselves together. I made a phone call to inform all the family. Gemma was to stay in for a few days, but there was no way she was going to be on her own in the hospital. Thursday we took her for some fresh air and considering what she had been told the day before she was smiling and chatting away. Later that evening when Keeley and Lisa visited I went home to get showered and change of clothes and to see nick, for a couple of hours. When I got back to the hospital I was shocked id only been left a couple of hours, Gems lung had collapsed and she was on oxygen. Gemma came home on the 29th March 2012 on palliative care. Gemma arrived home by ambulance with her sister Kirsty. I stayed at home because the hospital bed and oxygen machines had to be in place. They brought her in and just said bye. Were like standing there thinking now what do we do. Damon was so happy to see his mummy and she was just happy to be what was going to be her final home. We had a few bad days the first week, her operation site kept splitting and had a bad infection. On the 5th April Gemma got admitted to Loros because could not get her pain under control. I stayed home and Simon went with her, I had Damon so Gemma would not be on her own. Me and Nick went the following morning and as soon as she seen me she started crying. She just wanted to come home, so I went to find a nurse and asked if she really needed to be there as she is really distressed. They agreed we could control the pain and sickness at home. But before we left the Nurse wanted to speak to me and Gemma and what she said next I was just not expecting. She showed me a red form with DNR written on it. I said what that is for. When they told me I was like why would I not resuscitate her she’s my Daughter. Even though I had known from the beginning she was not going to make it the mothers gut feeling. But I could not get my head round it, I didn’t want to think about it I just wanted to get her home ,to spend every precious moment I could with her. Her tummy was not healing so the district nurses came in to re dress and if needed to I’d do it in the afternoon. Gemma sat talking and we realized she had never really been on holiday with Damon and she got really upset about it. We did not know how long we had left she was up and down at this point. We all decided on Butlins and Nick made the call and explained the situation. We had a week to try and get this wound healed. The nurses and Dr just wanted us to be able to go away. So everything was put into place, District nurses and Drs in Skegness knew we were coming. On the 16th of April we packed 2 cars ready for the journey, Gemma was like a big kid and Damon was so excited. Steve and Jodie and Jayden was going away and so for the first time I went away with both my kids something I had not done since they were younger. We stopped half way for a drink and the ride was not that great for Gemma she was drinking the morphine like it was water and yet still had a smile on her face, I could see how uncomfortable she was and she was in a lot pain. But she just wanted to get there no matter what. We arrived about 3 o clock so we got everything out the cars, And locked the meds away, never really got time to unpack she just wanted to see the beach and the sea. There was a ramp up to the beach so Steve pushed her, well ran and she was giggling like a little girl in her purple coat and hat. When we got to the top the gates were shut so she couldn’t go down anyway. But they had a little sand play area so she played in that with Damon. The only thing she was disappointed in was that she forgot her best shoes; she had only tried them on when she had them. So she couldn’t walk in them but could still ware them and we forgot to take them. Gemma’s dad Kev came the next day for a couple of days, so we did the usual shopping trips, watching the shows, She even stood and played guitar heroes with her brother one last time. There were silly little games where I would turn around and she would be gone, Steve kept running around with her. I could not believe this was my Daughter who could die at any point was laughing and joking, and dare I say it looked well and healthy, and the whole time we was there she never needed oxygen, or that much pain relief. It just didn’t seem real. We got home on the 20th of April and the following day was Damon’s birthday party, even though his birthday wasn’t until the Monday. It was a great turn out and everybody had a great time and yet again Gemma was happy and looked well. The day could have not been more perfect, Granddad had done it again made it perfect for Damon and Gemma. Gemma had good days and bad struggling to keep the pain and sickness under control. I took her shopping in her wheelchair and she never let me forget this and she told everyone who came round. I walked in the shop stopped spotted a nice dress and without thinking left her sitting in the shop entrance, this little voice shouted mum don’t forget me I can’t sit here. Always use to her being just behind me. At least she found it funny. May 21st Gemma had to have a driver in her arm we could not control the sickness. By the 28th she had 2 drivers in sickness and pain control. She was poorly but still chatty and always smiling worrying about everyone else. It’s too painful to go into a lot of detail. Gemma was shocked how quick she had gone downhill and she was in so much pain and couldn’t even keep water down; her body was slowly closing down. She gave me a gift a willow tree star angel. She gave it to me and said I have something else for you but I don’t think it will be here on time, so I got you this so you will never forget me, how could I. The following morning Gemma asked to be sedated she just could not fight it anymore. On the Sunday me nick Simon and keeley was talking and they said its time, I said time for what, They wanted me to tell her it was ok to go, but to me it wasn’t ok I could not do this on my own. How can you tell your Daughter it’s ok to die. But she suffered and fought so hard how can I be that selfish. So I sobbed in her ear and held her so tight I never wanted to let go. Keeley and Lisa took turns staying with me. On August 8th 2012 I woke up and seen Keeley was standing up even though it was dark she was as white as a sheet. Gemma was choking and she was panicking even though sedated she was moving her arms about, the moment I touched them she calmed down. I called the nurses because she had the rattle the moment I never wanted to happen. They came at 3am and gave her an injection and told me to call the family. Everyone was there, at 8am I went to bed with a sleeping tablet id slept downstairs for 15 weeks and never really slept, and the 3 times I did go out Gemma was ill so I never left her. They promised to call me if any change. AT 1.03pm I was walking down the stairs and Keeley said quickly. Simon had just gone to get Damon from nursery. Gemma took her last breath at 1.05pm August 8th. All I could do was sob you never waited for your dad. I really thought they would need to sedate me I had the odd moment but nothing like I thought I would be. I was quite calm for me, but I knew I had to be strong for Damon I promised her. The funeral was held on the 23rd April and it was full. I didn’t go then I just listened to what was being said and Steve’s talk on his little big sister as he would call her. Callum read a moving poem; everyone was nearly all in purple her favourite colour. On the 9th I placed her ashes in the ground and we all went out for a meal, It was a strange feeling I’m not sure what I was feeling, why wasn’t I a wreck why am I not grieving I felt I was not normal, this was my daughter, my best friend my soul mate, why am I not feeling anything. I became very angry I could not bear anyone to cuddle me I just knew that was the only way to keep it together, But I became so angry and I don’t remember that much about it but what my family and nick said I was terrible. So out of character. 14 weeks after Gemma died id pushed nick away into another women’s arms because I just could not stand to be cuddled not just by Nick but anyone. I decided that I really didn’t like what was happening to me and what I was doing to myself and nick, so I moved into my sons house to try and save our relationship and for me to get help with my anger issues. We still had contact but I knew something wasn’t right between us but I just kept blaming myself, I was trying. Christmas came and went like a blur. Damon loved it and he was spoilt. But without Gemma Christmas would never be the same. On January 14th I decided to ask Nick the question id wanted to ask him for 4 months. Are you seeing someone else and he said yes. I was totally devastated id lost everything my Daughter my partner and my home. Things just couldn’t get any worse. But they did. I spent 10 months mentally thinking Gemma was on holiday because that was the only way I could cope. And one day I was down and a friend said you need to accept that she has died and not coming back, I just sobbed saying no. They were right of cause at some point id got to accept it, but the pain was unbearable, I ended up getting in a state and I self-harmed pretty bad and had the crisis team out. I just wanted to be with Gemma I just could not think about anything else. That was January. Things have been up and down but on Gemma’s anniversary it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve struggled since then. But something happened which knocked me to rock bottom, This time I was asking for help, I could not control the self-harming and I took to many tablets, I felt I was losing my mind. I begged the Dr to help me I no longer had Gemma saying don’t you dare do anything to be with me. And at the point that’s all I wanted to do. I’ve had the crisis team out for 2 weeks and still having a lot of support. I lay in bed crying and there was a whisper in my ear, fundraising. We had spoken about it and I was always going to do it. But never quite expected it to be this soon. But doing this group and amazed at the support and the kind words is helping me. I’m taking one day at a time and concentrate on making the 16th of November a success. That’s my story